Hello blog, it's me Regina...

Hi blog,

It's been a while since I have checked in with you.

I put a hold on my dating life for a while...put all my energy into work. Now back to the men!!!!!!

So I have a date on Friday and Saturday night this weekend...two different guys. I will keep you posted how they go on Sunday.

But....funny story.....

I was called into the break room at work yesterday by 3 of the older ladies that work for me....
They sat me down, intervention style, to tell me that (no lie) "I need to get a 'Baby Daddy' because my eggs are drying up."

I can not make this stuff up... One of the women, who was the leader of this discussion said that what purpose has my life served if I am almost 30 and haven't popped out a kid? One of them actually mentioned me researching freezing my eggs. Another suggested I asked a male friend to be my "Babby Daddy." Hysterical.

I honestly thought I had been transported back to 1925.

I fired my maid

I fired my maid, and commented about it on facebook. I forgot she was my friend on facebook. Damnit.

Well, I open an email yesterday from in fact my maid. She is deeply hurt, not that I had written I fired her....that I had called her a maid.

Apparently this term is now a derogatory term, and the politically correct one is "house cleaner."

SERIOUSLY??????????????????????

You are a fucking maid.

I hope my readers can learn from my mistake, and never refer to their "house cleaners" as "maids." hahahahahahha

Also, I went to defriend her on facebook because let's be honest, we all love to stalk on FB, but does anyone really admit it? She had to go. So I get to her page, and I am literally one of TWO friends she has. The other one is my kindred spirit Schemily. So my ex-"house cleaner" just lost 50% of her friend population.

I thought MY dates were bad...

My mom sent me this email saying "you think your dates are bad..."

You have got to read this!


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. 'And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

The Aftermath of ASS...

The first red bull and vodka was consumed at approximately 3:30. This was the beginning of the end.

About 7 red bull and vodkas, 3 cherry bombs, and 1 car bomb later (at lease that is all I can recall), Schlia and I were on our way to crash at my parents house who live in Ellicott City. (They are snow birds, and are in FLA for the next few months) We thought this was an incredibly responsible idea rather than driving the 40 minutes back to Smalltimore.

One little problem.... We had Portis with us. Portis is a friend that we had acquired from The Turtle who came with us to Nottinghams, looking back, we are not really sure why we left The Turtle or why we had acquired Portis. Nottinghams was super lame, and we stayed there for A drink.

So now that it was time to go in our minds, we had the two complicated problems 1. how were we going to get Portis to his car in Catonsville without us driving there? 2. how can we get ourselves home without driving there? (since we didn't really feel like crashing at the rents a mile away)

So we started dialing. Everyone. Even Powder. Everyone was equally as f-ed up as we were. Plan B.... Columbia Cab. So we decided that is was in our best interest to drive to McDonald's to order a cab for Portis. First, we decided, I was going to go in and order us some food to sober us all up.

A few funny things happened while I was in McDonalds:

-I felt the need to preach to a group of thugs from Long Reach High School. I informed them that if they got their lives together, and got a 4 year degree, that I would give them a job.
-I then passed out my business cards to said thugs.
-I went up to the counter to order some food, I asked the lady behind the counter "What she recommends?" this was followed by an erruption of laughter from previously said thugs.
-lady behind the counter said "honey, this is mcDonalds" so I replied "Fuck it, give me 3 of everything."

I literally got 3 of everything on the menu, I wish I was kidding, I don't think 1 person has ever spent so much money at McDonald's in one purchase.

So I went back to the car holding bags upon bags of literally everything that McDonald's had to offer. I was then elected to call the Columbia Cab to get Portis home, only because the two of them had tried several times and for some reason could not get through. I called, and got through on the first time.

I was talking to the cab dispatcher and told him our coordinates, and he said "ok, where are you going?"
I replied "Nowhere, we will be here waiting for you!"
he responded "No! Where are you going?"
I said frustrated "I am not going anywhere! We will wait here!"
he hung up on me.
Looking back I find this hysterical, he obviously was implying he wanted to know where we were sending Portis.

The cab finally came, and Portis was on his way.

So Schlia and I (several sandwiches, fries, and nuggets later) head to my parents house. We get there in no time, and settle in to the couch and chair to take a few hours nap to then treck back to Smalltimore. Schlia asked me to turn out the light, and I go to do this, and start hysterically laughing. There is a sign posted to the lamp "Please keep light on, thank you." Once Schlia sees said sign, we are both hysterical. What would happen if we turned the light off? And who was this sign intended for? My parents weren't expecting us to sober up at their house that night...
I took the gamble, and turned it off, luckily nothing happened to me...it just turned off.

So Schlia and I went to sleep in the family room. We awoke about 5 hours later to rumbling stomachs.... remember what we have now eaten and drank....

A trip to the bathroom was an absolute MUST.... ASAP.

I elect to go first, and walk into the bathroom.... only to find yet another sign.

"Water turned off." I have never hated three words more.

Snuggles

I would like to make a statement.....

I hate self proclaimed nicknames!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean really.... There is this guy that I have dated off and on for the past few months, and he LOVES to give himself nicknames, and completely embraces them. For instance, he started the relationship off with signing his name at the end of emails or texts "love-snuggles."

Really?!?!?!?!

Snuggles?!?!?!?!

Did someone steal your balls dude? I quickly nipped that one in the butt, and thank God for that! However, it wasn't over...this man was desperately searching for a nickname for himself.
I am still in communication with him since we have a lot of mutual friends and connected through our families.

Well, it has come to my attention that he now refers to himself as "dog." Using such quotes as:

"I've been a bad dog today Regina..."
"Dog has to study for a test tonight."

and no lie, I just got an email that said "woof woof" in it.

WOW.

Only in Bawlmore Hon...

So Schlia and I decided to walk to the grocery store to return red box DVDs* this past Sunday before the Ravens game started.

*I think it's hilarious this machine is called red box...hahaha, and the fact that you receive your DVD's from a slot that looks like a hairy vagina... what perv invented this? Or do I just have a horribly dirty mind?

Anyway...

So literally, this grocery store with the red box (hee hee) is 5 blocks from my house. First funny part of this story... the next day (as in yesterday) I woke up with shin splints. To all you athletic friends out there...screw you! I can't even walk 5 blocks without getting an injury! But this is not the story I am here to tell.

Schlia and I were sporting the t-shirts I had purchased at the seedy local bar that said "I love Joe, the quarterback." We were dying to have someone take our pictures so that we could post it on facebook. And yes, facebook rules our lives, as it does most of my friends.

Well, on the way back to the house, we ran into two Bawlmore ladies that looked as if they were in their early 60's. I asked the cleaner of the old ladies (she was going to be touching my camera for Pete's sake!) to take our picture, and as I am asking this I am holding out my camera to her.
She and her friend looked at me as if I was asking them to solve the pythagorian theorom. (sp?)

She replied "well, I sure don't know how to use one of these, but I guess I can try."

Really????

You don't know how to use a freaking camera??????

They were invented IN your lifetime lady!!!!

And as Dane Cook always says "push the button on the right side where it always is!!!!!!!!!!"

So, turns out, said lady in fact DOES NOT know how to use a camera. After what we thought was a great photo shoot, thanking the old lady, and going on our way.... we checked the review button... no pictures were taken.

Old people are weird.

Persistant Powder

First off, let me start by saying, I have no idea how to spell persistant. I am a blonde at heart and in mind no matter what the color my hair is at the time. Which by the way looks orange to me right now.... I have GOT to call my fabulous dread-locked stylist.

Back to the post...

I know I have mentioned "Powder" before to all of you readers. He is the guy that I went on the date with that literally has no hair. This first (and only) date was probably a good 3 months ago if I have my timing right.

Well, Powder will not let our love die.

He literally IMs me the minute I hop onto any computer, no matter what the time. I often times ignore the hairless man, but sometimes I throw him a bone and respond with a "hi."
The funny part of it is, every IM, every text, and every email (which all of these are daily) comprise of the same five words "What are you up to?"

I finally got mad enough a month ago at seeing this same line over and over again, that I texted more than hi back. I said "Do you know any other sayings than 'What are you up to?' he replied with 'how are you doing?"

I don't know if I am part of a mass text that he sends out on the daily to all of his contacts with this line, or if he has an alarm programmed when I log on my computer, but it has to stop!

How bitchy can you be to a man before he backs off? Or is it the bitchiness that is turning him on? hmmmm...